Miracles

I've had a great last weekend but also a not so good one. I've decided that I need to take the high road on this and turn the tragedy into a positive so here I go. About a month ago I found out I was pregnant. Yay!! It was very exciting and I have been more excited about this pregnancy than I was for Hudson. I think the reason for the excitement is I knew I was going to get pregnant fast (about a week since my IUD came out), I have wanted my kids to be about 18-24 months apart. I think it is great when they're close in age and can really play (and fight) together. Emotionally I have been more ready for this one. I'm not scared at all since I've been through all this before so I know what to expect.

This last Saturday as I was preparing for Hudsons first birthday party(more on this later) and I started spotting. I was worried, but not terribly worried. I know of many women who spot during their pregnancy and everything is fine. I didn't spot at all with Hudson, but every pregnancy is different. Sunday, I layed in bed all day. I was sick and spotting more heavily than the day before. That night I got back aches. Monday morning I woke up to cramps and I miscarried. I ended up in the E.R. Monday at 9:30am while Grant took Hudson to the other end of the hospital for Hudsons 12 month check up(it went good by the way). While Grant was over there I sat in a hospital room terrified and crying. My Mom was on the other end of the phone trying to comfort me while I waited for Grant to come be by my side. Grants parents were on their way to take Hudson so Grant could be with me. I had two ultra sounds in radiology to find out that "the ultra sounds show no signs of you being pregnant. However, your blood work shows that you are about 5-6 weeks along. The only conclusion is that you miscarried." By the time I heard the news from the doctor, it had already kind of sunk in for the most part so it wasn't a surprise...I slept the rest of the afternoon.

Tuesday was harder for me than Monday for some reason. Maybe it was because I woke up Tuesday morning with the thought that I need to go have breakfast and take care of my little fetus growing inside me. Than the realization that there isn't a little fetus inside anymore so who cares if I eat right away. It's depressing.

Last night I went and got a massage to help me feel better. The massage therapist asked why I was coming in so I told her. Well, to find out she has been trying for 2 years to get pregnant and nothing has come to a result, except no baby. Nothing. She wants a baby so bad and can't get it. Here, it takes me less than a week and I'm pregnant. Now, I'm not complaining but that is 2 women in 2 different worlds for sure in the same room. I'm not saying miscarrying is fun, but at least I am blessed with the fact that I can get pregnant. We'll try again, and there is a good chance that I will get pregnant again. And hopefuly it works that time. It is hard going through this, but I am very grateful that I have the ability to get pregnant. I look at Hudson and it makes me love him so much more and I realize how big of a miracle he is in my life. At the time when I was pregnant with him, I took it for granted. I complained about everything. I hated being pregnant. I didn't realize that the end result could've been very very different. There was always that chance that I would've lost him also. I am so grateful that I didn't. I can't imagine my life with out Hudson in our lives. He brings joy to our hearts every day. You are a miracle.

For the little fetus that I lost on Monday, I hope to see you one day. I love you!